Are You a Blameaholic?
By Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, the “Stress Doc” ™
Why do people get angry? We become angry
when we see our beliefs or goals violated. There's a
sense of injustice. We may feel discarded,
devalued or disrespected. We often become
aggressive when our freedom, space and identity
are threatened. And, we're fighting mad when
determined to redress an injustice, insult or invasion.
However, much of the time you're making me angry
is a myth. If you don't believe this, you need to know
the difference between evoke and provoke. Too
often an injured person, feeling rejected or unfairly
criticized, tries to hold the other party hostage with
guilt: "You've made me upset." Or, the injured claim
self-righteous retaliation, for they've been provoked.
For adults, most verbal sticks and stones stir
moans or groans, but don't really harm us. They can,
however, evoke long-standing feelings of hurt and
humiliation we carry through life. So, if you're trying
to provoke someone with "What's wrong with you?,"
"You don't care about me," "You really disappoint
me!"... you're expressing frustrations with "acc-'you'-
sations." Don't be a blameaholic. Use "I"
messages: First, state how you feel: "I'm angry right
now." Next, explain why you're upset: "I get angry
when you say you'll do the dishes, and then leave
them." Finally, tell the person what you want them to
do: "I'll feel better if you do those dishes, especially if
you want to eat around here!" Sometimes we may
need a "you" message! Remember: A firm "no" a
day keeps the ulcers away; and the hostilities too.
Are your verbal anger skills still stuck in the sticks
and stone age?
Why do people get angry? We become angry
when we see our beliefs or goals violated. There's a
sense of injustice. We may feel discarded,
devalued or disrespected. We often become
aggressive when our freedom, space and identity
are threatened. And, we're fighting mad when
determined to redress an injustice, insult or invasion.
However, much of the time you're making me angry
is a myth. If you don't believe this, you need to know
the difference between evoke and provoke. Too
often an injured person, feeling rejected or unfairly
criticized, tries to hold the other party hostage with
guilt: "You've made me upset." Or, the injured claim
self-righteous retaliation, for they've been provoked.
For adults, most verbal sticks and stones stir
moans or groans, but don't really harm us. They can,
however, evoke long-standing feelings of hurt and
humiliation we carry through life. So, if you're trying
to provoke someone with "What's wrong with you?,"
"You don't care about me," "You really disappoint
me!"... you're expressing frustrations with "acc-'you'-
sations." Don't be a blameaholic. Use "I"
messages: First, state how you feel: "I'm angry right
now." Next, explain why you're upset: "I get angry
when you say you'll do the dishes, and then leave
them." Finally, tell the person what you want them to
do: "I'll feel better if you do those dishes, especially if
you want to eat around here!" Sometimes we may
need a "you" message! Remember: A firm "no" a
day keeps the ulcers away; and the hostilities too.
Are your verbal anger skills still stuck in the sticks
and stone age?
| Anger Management Groups led by Dr. Lyle Becourtney, licensed psychologist |
| Anger Management Groups led by Dr. Lyle Becourtney, licensed psychologist |
Call for your
appointment:
(917) 968-0965
appointment:
(917) 968-0965
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