Are You a Blameaholic?

Are You a Blameaholic?
By Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, the “Stress Doc” ™

Why do people get angry? We become angry
when we see our beliefs or goals violated. There's
a sense of injustice. We may feel discarded,
devalued or disrespected. We often become
aggressive when our freedom, space and identity
are threatened. And, we're fighting mad when
determined to redress an injustice, insult or
invasion.

However, much of the time you're making me angry
is a myth. If you don't believe this, you need to
know the difference between evoke and provoke.
Too often an injured person, feeling rejected or
unfairly criticized, tries to hold the other party
hostage with guilt: "You've made me upset." Or,
the injured claim self-righteous retaliation, for
they've been provoked.

For adults, most verbal sticks and stones stir
moans or groans, but don't really harm us. They
can, however, evoke long-standing feelings of hurt
and humiliation we carry through life. So, if you're
trying to provoke someone with "What's wrong with
you?," "You don't care about me," "You really
disappoint me!"... you're expressing frustrations
with "acc-'you'-sations." Don't be a blameaholic.
Use "I" messages: First, state how you feel: "I'm
angry right now." Next, explain why you're upset: "I
get angry when you say you'll do the dishes, and
then leave them." Finally, tell the person what you
want them to do: "I'll feel better if you do those
dishes, especially if you want to eat around here!"
Sometimes we may need a "you" message!
Remember: A firm "no" a day keeps the ulcers
away; and the hostilities too.

Are your verbal anger skills still stuck in the sticks
and stone age?

Anger Management Groups
led by Dr. Lyle Becourtney, licensed psychologist