Assertive Communication: Being True to Yourself

Assertive Communication: Being True to Yourself
by Ron Huxley

Assertive behavior is self-enhancing. When you express
your feelings honestly, you usually achieve your goal. You
generally feel good about yourself when you choose to
behave in an assertive manner, even if your goals are not
achieved.

You must tailor your communication to circumstances of
each new situation. Behavior that applies to some persons
and circumstances does not apply to all persons or
situations. Each situation is different. There are times when
a passive response is most appropriate. Sometimes, an
aggressive response is needed. Most of the time,
assertiveness is the key.

Always be true to your own thoughts, feelings and beliefs.
Avoid direct or implied criticism of the other person's
thoughts, feelings or beliefs, and you are likely to retain the
trust and goodwill of those around you. Think in terms of
I-messages. An I-message expresses your feelings and
experiences without making the other person responsible
for them. An I-message is honest and genuine. It doesn't
judge, blame or interrupt. It never tells the other person
what he should think or feel.

Successful use of I-messages requires that you know
exactly what you want and need, take personal
responsibility for meeting your preferences, express
yourself to the person whose cooperation you need, and be
willing to listen if the other person becomes defensive.

If you develop a full understanding of assertive
communication, you can choose appropriate and
self-fulfilling responses for a variety of situations. All
effective assertive communication, however, is
characterized by a basic four-part message:

1. Non-judgmental description of the behavior to be
changed.

2. Disclosure of the assertor's feelings.

3. Clarification of the concrete and tangible effect of the
other person's behavior on the assertor.

4. Description of the behavior that would be more
satisfactory.

You'll send more assertive messages when you use this
formula: "When you (state the other person's behavior
nonjudgmentally), I feel (disclose your feelings) because
(explain the impact on your life). I prefer (describe what you
want)." This way, the four parts of the assertion message
are stated as clearly as possible and are contained in one
sentence.

This style of communication requires conscientious
practice. Others don't know what behavior you want
modified. You must clearly communicate what the other
person does that frustrates you. This can be difficult.
People seldom describe behavior accurately enough for
listeners to understand how their actions frustrate the
speaker. These guidelines will help you develop effective
behavior description skills:

1. Describe the behavior in specific rather than general
terms.

2. Limit yourself to behavioral descriptions. Do not draw
inferences about the other person's motive, attitudes,
character, etc.

3. Be objective rather than judgmental.

4. Be as brief as possible.

5. Communicate the real issues to the right person.

Anger Management Groups
led by Dr. Lyle Becourtney, licensed psychologist

Anger Management Groups
led by Dr. Lyle Becourtney, licensed psychologist

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One of the anger management techniques
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These anger management books are used by Dr. Becourtney's private clients.
Each has an entire chapter focused on teaching assertive communication.

Assertive Communication Resources