Parenting Tools - Eliminating YOU Messages

"Eliminating YOU Messages"
by Ron Huxley

Anger Thought: "You need to change!" Did that sentence
feel good? Probably not. No one likes to have the "finger or
blame" pointed at them. When a sentence starts off with the
word "you" it creates a defensiveness in the other person
that rarely results in the desired change. Change is much
more likely if a sentence starts off with "I" instead of "You."
For example: "I need to have this room cleaned up" or "I am
frustrated that the report was not turned in on time." Using
"I" messages versus "You" messages decreases
defensiveness in the other person and allows us to own our
own thoughts and feelings about a situation. A child may
not care if the room is ever cleaned up. An employee may
have no problems with a late report. They don't own the
problem but they may need to make a change for a
problem that you own.

Anger Action Plan: Before confronting another person
about a problem you are having with them, stop and think
about how you will phrase that issue. Start your sentence
with the word "I." Follow it with a feeling word or action step.
Don't sneak the "You" word in there. For example, saying: "I
need YOU to take care of this room" is a disguised "You"
sentence. Instead say: "I am upset that this room is not
cleaned up by now. Please take care of it by 6 p.m. or the
consequence will be not going out tonight." It may take
some practice eliminating the "You" messages but doing so
will dramatically improve your ability to get things changed!

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