"Eliminating YOU Messages"
by Ron Huxley
by Ron Huxley
Anger Thought: "You need to change!" Did
that sentence feel good? Probably not. No one
likes to have the "finger or blame" pointed at
them. When a sentence starts off with the word
"you" it creates a defensiveness in the other
person that rarely results in the desired
change. Change is much more likely if a
sentence starts off with "I" instead of "You." For
example: "I need to have this room cleaned up"
or "I am frustrated that the report was not
turned in on time." Using "I" messages versus
"You" messages decreases defensiveness in
the other person and allows us to own our own
thoughts and feelings about a situation. A child
may not care if the room is ever cleaned up. An
employee may have no problems with a late
report. They don't own the problem but they
may need to make a change for a problem that
you own.
Anger Action Plan: Before confronting
another person about a problem you are
having with them, stop and think about how you
will phrase that issue. Start your sentence with
the word "I." Follow it with a feeling word or
action step. Don't sneak the "You" word in
there. For example, saying: "I need YOU to take
care of this room" is a disguised "You"
sentence. Instead say: "I am upset that this
room is not cleaned up by now. Please take
care of it by 6 p.m. or the consequence will be
not going out tonight." It may take some
practice eliminating the "You" messages but
doing so will dramatically improve your ability to
get things changed!
that sentence feel good? Probably not. No one
likes to have the "finger or blame" pointed at
them. When a sentence starts off with the word
"you" it creates a defensiveness in the other
person that rarely results in the desired
change. Change is much more likely if a
sentence starts off with "I" instead of "You." For
example: "I need to have this room cleaned up"
or "I am frustrated that the report was not
turned in on time." Using "I" messages versus
"You" messages decreases defensiveness in
the other person and allows us to own our own
thoughts and feelings about a situation. A child
may not care if the room is ever cleaned up. An
employee may have no problems with a late
report. They don't own the problem but they
may need to make a change for a problem that
you own.
Anger Action Plan: Before confronting
another person about a problem you are
having with them, stop and think about how you
will phrase that issue. Start your sentence with
the word "I." Follow it with a feeling word or
action step. Don't sneak the "You" word in
there. For example, saying: "I need YOU to take
care of this room" is a disguised "You"
sentence. Instead say: "I am upset that this
room is not cleaned up by now. Please take
care of it by 6 p.m. or the consequence will be
not going out tonight." It may take some
practice eliminating the "You" messages but
doing so will dramatically improve your ability to
get things changed!
| Anger Management Groups led by Dr. Lyle Becourtney, licensed psychologist |
| Anger Management Groups led by Dr. Lyle Becourtney, licensed psychologist |
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More Articles of Interest
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ANGER SMART: "Spiritual
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the Compliment Sandwich
ANGER SMART: "Spiritual
Relaxation"
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Cycle
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Home
Cost of Anger
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Eight Simple Anger Management Tips
Family Journals: Ten Ways to Improve Your
Health and Relationships
Four Styles of Parenting
Helping Children VIEW Their Anger
Importance of the Father/Child Bond
Major Myths of Anger Management
"Temper, Temper"
The Imperfect Parent
The Lecture
The Most Important Role of Your Life!
Try These Anger Management Techniques
Using Self Talk to Manage Your Anger
Where Do You Start?
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Offer Code field during registration to obtain a discount.
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same content that Dr Becourtney teaches
in his local anger management classes.
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is completely web-based and it provides the
same content that Dr Becourtney teaches
in his local anger management classes.
To obtain a discount, be sure to enter
X62K-ACM in the Offer Code field during
registration.
Dr. Becourtney's clients use these anger management books.
Online Anger Management Class
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completely web-based and offers
the same curriculum that is
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enter X62K-ACM in the Offer Code
field during registration.
for Teenagers and Adolescents
completely web-based and offers
the same curriculum that is
taught by Dr Becourtney in his
local anger management classes.
To obtain a discount, be sure to
enter X62K-ACM in the Offer Code
field during registration.
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