Parenting Tools - The Summertime Parent

The Summertime Parent
by Ron Huxley

While most children were anxiously waiting for the school
year to end, Jonathan was simply anxious. Although most
boys loved traveling across the country during their
vacation, Jonathan dreaded the annual trek to see his
father. It wasn't that he didn't love his father or enjoy being
with him. It was the other children, from his father's new
marriage, that he didn't like. He felt like he was no longer
his father's son and that his dad loved them more than him.
And to top it off, he wouldn't get to see his friends or his
mother for almost ten weeks.

Jonathan's parents had divorced and his father had moved
to another state. He only saw his father during Christmas
and summer vacations. His father would send birthday
cards and occasional letters. And with the invention of
email, he could type off a quick note anytime he or his dad
wanted. But that didn't make the situation easier for him. In
some ways, it only made a hard situation harder.

It was no summer picnic for Jonathan's father either.
Instead of feeling excitement about seeing his son, he felt
anger and resentment that was often channeled toward his
ex-wife, whom he blamed for the custody arrangements. "I
never realized how hard divorce could be," exclaimed
Jonathan's father. "And getting remarried has only made it
worse. Now I am stuck in the middle of two sets of frustrated
families."

Wounds of Divorce

Regardless of the reasons, divorce hurts! Any separation
between two connected people will cause emotional
wounding when pulled apart. Like any wound, the
traumatized area must be cleaned and cared for if healing
is going to be possible. The more dirt slung between
divorced parents, through verbal and physical fights or
nasty legal battles, the more infection in the relationship
between parent and child will develop.

Jonathan's father moved across the country because of a
great job offer…or at least, that was what he told everyone.
The job was great but the real reason was that he couldn't
get along with Jonathan's mother and he just needed to
leave and start over again. Unfortunately, that left Jonathan
behind.

"In retrospect, I would have stayed, regardless of the
situation," admits Jonathan's father. "At the time, the hurt
was too much to stand. I didn't want the divorce and his
mother's new boyfriend was just salt in the wound. Rather
than continue to argue and waste money on lawyers, I
decided to leave."

Parents who have a long-distance relationship must
address the wounds of divorce. Cleaning out a wound is
painful but necessary. Similarly, letting go of old hurts and
memories is important for healing and growth. Jonathan
relates that his first summer with his dad in his new home
was fun: "We went out to eat, the movies, miniature golf,
and then my dad started pumping me for information on my
mom and her boyfriend. I just wanted to be with my dad."

When parents do not deal with their own issues, children
suffer all over again and their own wounds are not allowed
to heal. Summertime parents need to take care of
themselves, throughout the entire year, so that they can
enjoy the time with their children. Parents can do this by
consulting with a professional, developing a strong network
of friends, exercising regularly and eating right.

Reassurances and Permissions

Major changes are frightening to young children. The loss
of a parent creates fears of loss of food and shelter, being
forgotten, attacked, punished, or unloved. While this might
seem irrational to a parent, it is a real concern for the child.
Children need reassurances that these things will continue
to be in his or her life and most importantly, that they are
loved. Don't make promises that things will go back to the
way they were or be just as good. That is one promise
parents can't deliver and it breaks down a child's trust.
Simply offer a verbal hug of hopefulness that the future will
be secure and safe.

In addition to the reassurances, children often need
permission to let go of the guilt that attaches itself to living
with the school year parents and visiting the summer
parent. Both parents need to tell the child that it is okay that
they are going. Be honest about missing the child but save
the wailing and cloth ripping for another time and place.

Permission giving helps to untangle the loyalty binds that
children get caught up in after divorce. Don't ask a lot of
questions about the other parent and their life back home.
If the child wants to talk about that, fine. But don't start an
investigation and definitely, keep your opinion of the other
parent's life to yourself. Children feel they are disloyal to
one parent by staying with and loving another parent. This
problem is rooted in the concrete thinking styles of school-
age children. It is a developmental issue that can't be
exorcised and must be adjusted to.

Creative Communication

The key to being a successful summer parent is regular
communication during the other months of the year.
Because it is difficult for the parent who moves away to
watch the child grow up, it is important to have predictable
and consistent communication in the form of phone calls,
letters, postcards, email, photos, and tape recordings. Too
many parents spend their time on the phone or in letters
mourning the time they are apart or how much they miss
the child. This retraumatizes the child and makes the parent
look pathetic. If it has to be said, say it one time and move
on. Focus the intercourse on what is going on in your and
your child's life. Make plans for the upcoming visit and
discuss emotional issues important to the child. Stay away
from morbid meanderings.

Make the communications short and newsworthy. A one
page letter talking about how the dog ate your favorite shoe
or describing a beautiful sunset will make a better
connection between parent and child than a long, boring
letter that lists every detail of the week. Email is also a great
way to communicate as the medium itself is geared toward
brief, informal notes. And the instantaneous nature of the
format makes frequent communication practical.

Try alternative mediums. If the parent or the child is not a
"letter writer" try using a tape recording. Buy a compact
recorder and walk around for a day recording various
activities and thoughts. Capture the sounds of the dog
eating your shoe or describe the sunset as you look out the
back window. Another idea is to buy a Polaroid camera and
take pictures of the new house and neighborhood and send
those (by email or snail mail) to the child. Alternative forms
of communication can add a little more color and life to dry
words on paper and bring the child and parent closer
together emotionally.

If you like really creative ideas, create a project or play a
game across the time zones. Read a sports article or watch
a favorite television program and then discuss it later on
the phone or by (e)mail. Keep separate journals that are
exchanged during the visits. Create an online web page
with both parent and child as co-webmasters. Play a game
of checkers (with two sets) and give the moves to each
other during your communications. Make up a "sharing box"
where you put mementos and little treasures for the other
person to look at and discuss when together. Start a
garden or acquire an aquarium and get advice on what to
plant and how to care for the fish from the other person.
Creative ideas, such as these, foster family solidarity
despite time and place. It makes the relationship feel real
and alive and that is important to parent and child.

School connections

Summer parents feel out of touch when it comes to the
child's life at school. Request to be put on the school's
mailing list or give the child's teacher an email address to
update the distant parent on activities and progress. Many
schools and teachers have web sites set up so parents can
view their child's itinerary and grades. Knowing what is
going on at the child's school allows parents to ask
intelligent questions to the child about upcoming field trips
and school projects. The child will also feel that the parent
cares about him or her. Parents can make similar
connections with doctors, therapists, and coaches.

Jonathan and his father still miss each other but their
relationship has blossomed despite the distance. They are
rooting for the same baseball team and are working on a
go-cart that Jonathan and his new siblings will race during
the summer at a track near the father's house. "I started
taking pictures of the engine as I dismantled it and I scan
and send them out each week by email to Jonathan. He told
me last night that he has started a scrapbook with all the
pictures in them. When he gets here, the go-cart should be
all put together and we can paint it together," explains his
father.

Geography doesn't have to separate parents and children
emotionally. Summertime parents can keep the relationship
alive during the school year so that they look forward to
being together and can pick up where they left off.
"Jonathan has an excitement in his voice when we talk
about our time together. That is the biggest gift I could ever
receive!"

Anger Management Groups
led by Dr. Lyle Becourtney, licensed psychologist