Parenting Tools - Wants & Wishes

Wants & Wishes
by Ron Huxley

Go to any store and your kids will be bombarded with “buy
me” messages. Parents, trying to live frugally, are faced
with their child’s demands for expensive toys and clothes.
To help, here are two parenting tools that will keep the
“gimmes” to a minimum:

Wants List is a parenting tool that keeps a lid on children’s
endless list of wants. A child's want of a new bike, toy, or
clothes item is, in itself, not wrong. Everyone has things
they would like to have. But when these wants get out of
control, parents need to limit their children’s excessive
cravings. The demand for things often increases between
the ages of 7 to 10. This is due developmentally to the
cognitive changes in a child that allows them to be more
aware of other circumstances that are different from their
own. The result is often a lot of comparisons between what
one does and does not have compared to other children.

One way of dealing with these demands is to ignore them.
Viewing a child's wants as a cognitive exercise of
comparisons and not feeling the need to respond to these
cravings is one way that parents can cope with a child's
wants. Another way of dealing with a child's wants is to
make a family "want list." This tool allows wants to be
expressed openly without any feeling by the parent to fulfill
them all. Whenever a child states that they simply "must
have the hot, new computer game" or the "colorful, new
doll" have the child write the thing on the want list and place
it where everyone can see it, like on the refrigerator.
Instead of reacting to a child's demands, the parent can
redirect the child to "Go, write it down on the want list."
Parents can put things down on the want list too. This
demonstrates that parents often make do without things
they want as well. Use the want list as next year's birthday
or Christmas list but don't be surprised if the child no longer
wants those items anymore.

Wishes are a parenting talk tool that acknowledges
children's wants without giving into their demands.
Everyone has needs, wants, and desires. For example,
hunger is a need, a turkey sandwich is a want, and a full
turkey dinner with all the trimmings is a desire. Let's face it,
most parents cannot give their child all of their wants all of
the time. Even if they could, it would probably be a bad
idea. Unfortunately, children may have to settle for getting a
need filled instead of a want or a desire. Using the food
example, the child may have to settle for the turkey
sandwich or whatever leftovers are left in the refrigerator
instead of the full turkey dinner.

Wishes are unique in that they acknowledge a child's
desires as healthy and valid even when they cannot have
them. For example, a child who desires to have a pair of
two hundred-dollar tennis shoes may have to settle for a
less expensive pair. When children realize they cannot
have the expensive shoes they often sulk, tantrum, or
become verbally abusive to their parent who "never does
anything nice for them." To avoid this power struggle,
parents can state, "Wow! Those are great looking shoes.
And wouldn't it really impress your friends when you show
up at school with those shoes. I bet you could jump at least
8 feet straight up in the air with those shoes. But
unfortunately I only can afford those shoes over there.
Which one of those shoes would you like?" Another
example would be in the situation where a parent and a
child are on a trip and the child begins whining for
something to drink and nothing is available for miles. The
parents might use this tool to fantasize what it would be like
to drink a tall, cold, thirst-quenching, sparkling, glass of
soda. The parent can use humor as a parenting tool here.
The actual desire can be met now in fantasy and later when
they get near a store.

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