When Children of Divorce Act Out –
Caring Parents Step Up!
Caring Parents Step Up!
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Divorce, like life, is rarely neat and packaged. This is
especially true for divorcing parents. The reality of divorce
comes with unexpected twists, constant frustrations and times
of utter helplessness when children act up or pull away.
Here are three tips for coping with times when your children
are venting, lashing out or expressing their own frustrations
about being caught up in a family adjusting to separation or
divorce.
Diffusing blame. Some children, especially pre-teens and
teens, may blame one parent or the other for the divorce.
Sometimes they may be correct in this interpretation given
circumstances they have been aware of for years (alcoholism,
absent parent, domestic violence, etc.). Other times they side
with one parent as a result of their prior relationship dynamics
with that parent. Regardless of why you or your spouse is
being blamed, keep your cool. In many cases blaming is a
defense against feeling overwhelmed by the circumstances in
your child's life. Suddenly there are so many changes in such
a short period of time. Often this behavior is not meant
against you personally. It is merely a child's way of coping.
When you keep this in mind it is easier to not personalize the
outbursts and accusations. Patiently remind your child that
you understand their frustrations. Acknowledge they have a
sincere right to feel that way. Tell them how much you love
them and how much you regret their hurt and pain. Let them
know this was a difficult decision for both parents yet one you
feel is the best alternative for your family's future happiness
and well-being. Be patient and consistent. And don't
internalize a child's expressions of frustration as a lack of love
for you as a parent.
Countering distress. Often, negative comments from your
children are expressions of distress and not criticism. Children
want and need encouragement, support, and security during
times of stress and change. If their needs are not being met
because one or both parents are too caught up in their own
hurt and drama, it is not surprising to hear negative comments
and outbursts. When you realize that this is a call for
attention, recognition and the emotional healing that you can
provide, you can move into action. This is the time to reinforce
your comments about the key messages every child needs to
hear. They include: You are safe. You are loved by Mom and
Dad. You will not lose Mom or Dad. You are not to blame for
the divorce. Although change can be challenging, everything
will work out okay.
Patient acceptance. In many ways divorce is like death.
Sometimes the best thing you can do is fully be there for your
children and understand what they are going through from
their perspective. Talk if they want to talk. Hug and cuddle if
they respond to affection. Continue as many family routine
activities as possible on a day-to-day basis. Be honest and
sincere when you are upset or frustrated by changes in your
family life - and let them express their frustrations, as well.
Most importantly, accept and acknowledge whatever they
share with you as okay for them to feel. Try to put yourself
into the mind-set of your six, ten or fifteen year old and
experience the world from their viewpoint. It will help you be
more empathic, less judgmental and more open to really
"hearing" what they have to say.
This is what creating a "child-centered" divorce is all about.
Let your children's emotional and physical needs be at the
forefront of your mind when making life-altering decisions
related to separation or divorce. Parents who consciously
create a "child-centered" divorce have their radar constantly
on. They're attuned to subtle changes in their children's
behavior before that evolves into overwhelming challenges.
Their children know and feel that they count and are a vital
part of the family dynamic - even if it is evolving into a
different form. These children are less fearful and more likely
to move on with their lives into the future with confidence and
high self-esteem. Isn't that what you want for your children?
About The Author
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator
and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids …
about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to
Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides
fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family
storybook that guides children through this difficult transition
with optimum results.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2008. All rights reserved.
Divorce, like life, is rarely neat and packaged. This is
especially true for divorcing parents. The reality of divorce
comes with unexpected twists, constant frustrations and times
of utter helplessness when children act up or pull away.
Here are three tips for coping with times when your children
are venting, lashing out or expressing their own frustrations
about being caught up in a family adjusting to separation or
divorce.
Diffusing blame. Some children, especially pre-teens and
teens, may blame one parent or the other for the divorce.
Sometimes they may be correct in this interpretation given
circumstances they have been aware of for years (alcoholism,
absent parent, domestic violence, etc.). Other times they side
with one parent as a result of their prior relationship dynamics
with that parent. Regardless of why you or your spouse is
being blamed, keep your cool. In many cases blaming is a
defense against feeling overwhelmed by the circumstances in
your child's life. Suddenly there are so many changes in such
a short period of time. Often this behavior is not meant
against you personally. It is merely a child's way of coping.
When you keep this in mind it is easier to not personalize the
outbursts and accusations. Patiently remind your child that
you understand their frustrations. Acknowledge they have a
sincere right to feel that way. Tell them how much you love
them and how much you regret their hurt and pain. Let them
know this was a difficult decision for both parents yet one you
feel is the best alternative for your family's future happiness
and well-being. Be patient and consistent. And don't
internalize a child's expressions of frustration as a lack of love
for you as a parent.
Countering distress. Often, negative comments from your
children are expressions of distress and not criticism. Children
want and need encouragement, support, and security during
times of stress and change. If their needs are not being met
because one or both parents are too caught up in their own
hurt and drama, it is not surprising to hear negative comments
and outbursts. When you realize that this is a call for
attention, recognition and the emotional healing that you can
provide, you can move into action. This is the time to reinforce
your comments about the key messages every child needs to
hear. They include: You are safe. You are loved by Mom and
Dad. You will not lose Mom or Dad. You are not to blame for
the divorce. Although change can be challenging, everything
will work out okay.
Patient acceptance. In many ways divorce is like death.
Sometimes the best thing you can do is fully be there for your
children and understand what they are going through from
their perspective. Talk if they want to talk. Hug and cuddle if
they respond to affection. Continue as many family routine
activities as possible on a day-to-day basis. Be honest and
sincere when you are upset or frustrated by changes in your
family life - and let them express their frustrations, as well.
Most importantly, accept and acknowledge whatever they
share with you as okay for them to feel. Try to put yourself
into the mind-set of your six, ten or fifteen year old and
experience the world from their viewpoint. It will help you be
more empathic, less judgmental and more open to really
"hearing" what they have to say.
This is what creating a "child-centered" divorce is all about.
Let your children's emotional and physical needs be at the
forefront of your mind when making life-altering decisions
related to separation or divorce. Parents who consciously
create a "child-centered" divorce have their radar constantly
on. They're attuned to subtle changes in their children's
behavior before that evolves into overwhelming challenges.
Their children know and feel that they count and are a vital
part of the family dynamic - even if it is evolving into a
different form. These children are less fearful and more likely
to move on with their lives into the future with confidence and
high self-esteem. Isn't that what you want for your children?
About The Author
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator
and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids …
about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to
Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides
fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family
storybook that guides children through this difficult transition
with optimum results.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2008. All rights reserved.
| Anger Management Groups led by Dr. Lyle Becourtney, licensed psychologist |
| Anger Management Groups led by Dr. Lyle Becourtney, licensed psychologist |
Call for your
appointment:
(917) 968-0965
appointment:
(917) 968-0965
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Other Articles of Interest
Before You Divorce – Be
Prepared to Tell the Kids
Disciplining Children through
Divorce: Limit their Behavior
but Not their Thoughts
Telling Kids About Divorce?
Avoid These Mistakes
Before You Divorce – Be
Prepared to Tell the Kids
Disciplining Children through
Divorce: Limit their Behavior
but Not their Thoughts
Telling Kids About Divorce?
Avoid These Mistakes
