Who Was Right?
by Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
I just walked in from the grocery store. My daughter and I went
to pick up a few items. So tell me, who was right? Here's what
happened:
I was driving down the row, looking for a parking space. A
woman was just finishing putting her groceries in her car --
and it was the first space past the handicap spots! Primo
parking! So, I stop and put on the blinker. Then I notice that a
woman just about 2/3 back of my car, just at the bumper, was
in reverse, and a car was waiting for her spot. So I pull up just
a little bit, allowing the woman I am waiting for to pull out
beyond me and go the other way. It also allowed the woman
behind to pull past me and go the other way. So, imagine my
surprise when the woman behind me pulls back and decides
to go my way, and then pulls right up on my bumper. No
problem. Surely, the woman in front will pull back, beside my
car, and go the direction I am pointing. Nope. She wanted to
go the reverse direction I was pointed, but couldn't figure out
how to turn her car sharp enough (she had plenty of room, in
my opinion) to do it. So, she pulled out as far as she could
without going sharp, looked at me, and wanted me to move
backward. Problem was, there was a car on my rear bumper,
preventing that. So, she went back into the parking space,
made a couple of false attempts, and finally went the direction
I was faced, but not before she rolled down her window and
yelled some obscenities. She followed this by pulling around
to the next row, pausing, and flipped me off. Quite a view for
my daughter to take in.
So, who was right? I was, of course. But remember, you have
only heard one view -- mine. And I gave you the facts -- mine.
We didn't hear from her, so I don't know what she was
perceiving.
What, you may ask, does this have to do with marriage? Well,
unfortunately, life is very subjective. We all tell ourselves
stories from our own perspective, usually the one that puts us
in the best light. And that is the problem. We then re-enforce
that view in our telling the story. No doubt, this woman went
home and immediately told her husband about the idiot
driving and being unwilling to back up. He probably readily
agreed and re-enforced her view. Maybe she even blogged
about it! :-)
My point is, we all tell stories to ourselves and others that put
us in the best light, forgetting there is another view, perhaps
more accurate, that we have not accounted for. When we
believe a)we have the truth, or b) we are right, we are at risk
for missing another's point-of-view.
Perception becomes reality. Misunderstanding becomes
rupture of relationship. Then, we keep telling stories that
support our opinion, finally proving that the relationship is a
farce, and built upon lies. Unfortunately, sometimes it is built
on the lies we have told ourselves, not those of a spouse.
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my eBook,
Save The Marriage, available by CLICKING HERE.
I just walked in from the grocery store. My daughter and I went
to pick up a few items. So tell me, who was right? Here's what
happened:
I was driving down the row, looking for a parking space. A
woman was just finishing putting her groceries in her car --
and it was the first space past the handicap spots! Primo
parking! So, I stop and put on the blinker. Then I notice that a
woman just about 2/3 back of my car, just at the bumper, was
in reverse, and a car was waiting for her spot. So I pull up just
a little bit, allowing the woman I am waiting for to pull out
beyond me and go the other way. It also allowed the woman
behind to pull past me and go the other way. So, imagine my
surprise when the woman behind me pulls back and decides
to go my way, and then pulls right up on my bumper. No
problem. Surely, the woman in front will pull back, beside my
car, and go the direction I am pointing. Nope. She wanted to
go the reverse direction I was pointed, but couldn't figure out
how to turn her car sharp enough (she had plenty of room, in
my opinion) to do it. So, she pulled out as far as she could
without going sharp, looked at me, and wanted me to move
backward. Problem was, there was a car on my rear bumper,
preventing that. So, she went back into the parking space,
made a couple of false attempts, and finally went the direction
I was faced, but not before she rolled down her window and
yelled some obscenities. She followed this by pulling around
to the next row, pausing, and flipped me off. Quite a view for
my daughter to take in.
So, who was right? I was, of course. But remember, you have
only heard one view -- mine. And I gave you the facts -- mine.
We didn't hear from her, so I don't know what she was
perceiving.
What, you may ask, does this have to do with marriage? Well,
unfortunately, life is very subjective. We all tell ourselves
stories from our own perspective, usually the one that puts us
in the best light. And that is the problem. We then re-enforce
that view in our telling the story. No doubt, this woman went
home and immediately told her husband about the idiot
driving and being unwilling to back up. He probably readily
agreed and re-enforced her view. Maybe she even blogged
about it! :-)
My point is, we all tell stories to ourselves and others that put
us in the best light, forgetting there is another view, perhaps
more accurate, that we have not accounted for. When we
believe a)we have the truth, or b) we are right, we are at risk
for missing another's point-of-view.
Perception becomes reality. Misunderstanding becomes
rupture of relationship. Then, we keep telling stories that
support our opinion, finally proving that the relationship is a
farce, and built upon lies. Unfortunately, sometimes it is built
on the lies we have told ourselves, not those of a spouse.
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my eBook,
Save The Marriage, available by CLICKING HERE.
| Anger Management Groups led by Dr. Lyle Becourtney, licensed psychologist |
| Anger Management Groups led by Dr. Lyle Becourtney, licensed psychologist |
Call for your
appointment:
(917) 968-0965
appointment:
(917) 968-0965
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