Winds of Change
by Ron Huxley
by Ron Huxley
“Mom! Don’t come in the shower when I am in here.” “Dad,
I'm too old for hats and balloons on my birthday.” “Mom, I
can walk to school. You don’t need to drive me anymore.”
These are just some of the things children say to us as they
grow older. What they are really telling us, beneath the
spoken words, are that the family is facing new changes.
Changes that will require all members to accommodate to if
the families are to stay healthy.
Changes come in all types. There are the common, typical
changes that every family must go through. They are
common because time, and its passing, are common to us
all. You wouldn’t let your two year old play outside
unsupervised but at six you might. You wouldn’t let your six-
year-old walk to the mall but you might let your sixteen-year-
old. These changes are developmentally healthy and for
the most part, are handled by families well. More important
but still common changes occur when a family member
takes on a new role. It’s like a promotion or a job change. A
man or woman becomes a spouse. A spouse becomes a
parent. A parent becomes a grandparent.
Time waits for no one and ignores no one. We are all swept
along with the changes it brings. When the change is
normal, the winds of change are like a gentle breeze. But it
can also bring dark, unpleasant storms of change. These
storms can rip a family apart. Spouses can become single
parents. Grandparents can parent again (if they take on
the chore of raising their grandchildren). Children may find
themselves parentless or become parents while still a child
as in the case of teen pregnancies. Whether your family is
flowing with the standard currents of change or suffering
the ravages of a tempest, here are some general principles
for family survival:
Expect Change.
As we have already mentioned, change is normal. Why are
you so surprised that your child doesn’t want you coming
into the shower when he is in there? Although parents know
this time will come, they live in denial. They want to believe
that he will always be a little boy. They talk of the “good
times” when little Johnny needed help taking a bath or
would run naked around the house when he was only two
(to the embarrassment of Johnny). What growing child
wants his parents to box him in with words and stories of the
past when the future is calling?
Fortunately for parents, teens are rebellious. Rebellion can
be a signal to parents that change is blowing and the child,
not the parents, is moving with it. The trouble is that teens
speak their mind, instead of speaking up, about their wants
and needs. This gives them a reputation of defiance and
oppositionalism. What if it was really the parents who are
rebellious as they defy time and oppose change. Perhaps
the child is the submissive one, giving himself or herself
over to the movements of time while the parent is stuck in
the mud of denial.
Take One Step At A Time.
It would be nice if life was like families seen on television.
Television families experience a problem and its solution in
under an hour. In real life, it takes a little longer. But
change can take place in small steps that lead to solutions
quickly, without the television drama.
The first step is to watch for the signals of change. They will
occur in the emotional interactions between family
members. Okay, they may be more like sparks than signals
but they are clear indicators that members must do
something new.
The next step is to communicate. Parents tire of trite
suggestions like “communicating with your child.” But they
are our safe islands when stormy winds of change blow.
Falling back on the tried and true (and trite) suggestions of
communicating are what get us safely through the tough
times. Communicate means to LISTEN to your child when
they tell you not to come into the shower. It means SPEAK
up and tell your child that you hear their need for space
and privacy. The more a child appears “rebellious” the
more a parent needs to listen. This will allow a real dialogue
to occur between parent and child, where family members
speak up and listen to each other interCHANGEABLY.
Get Help.
Families don’t need to go through changes, normal or
stormy, without some help. Help can come from within the
family or from without. Mom can ask dad for advice and dad
can look to mom for support. Family meetings can resolve
issues much quicker than endless power struggles. Consult
with extended family members, who have seen storms come
and go. If family members are unable, unwilling, or
unavailable for help, go to outside resources.
Every community has agencies that help families. Find out
who those agencies are and ask for help. “Waiting out the
storm” may leave families devastated. Change is stress and
support is its buffer. Relatives, friends, and professionals
shelter families from the storms of change. It is much easier
to deal with a colicky child when there is someone to talk to
or take over. Family therapy is much cheaper than paying
divorce lawyers. Asking the local church or synagogue for
help is less invasive than calling the police to deal with
domestic violence or out-of-control children.
Reinforce The Foundations.
In order for a home to withstand the winds of change, it will
require a firm foundation. The foundation in the family is the
parents. A weak foundation will crumble under the stress of
change. A solid foundation will keep a home intact,
although shaken and showing some wear and tear. But it
will stand. Parents must take a stand together. More
importantly, they must take time together.
Remember what it was like before children? Parents
enjoyed one another. They spent time together. They knew
and desired to know more about one another. Then the
blessed event occurs: Baby! Life suddenly changes the
family, both its quantity and it’s quality, for better and
worse. Add more children, a few bills, and a chaotic routine
of work and family life and you have a foundation of
marriage that is bound to suffer. Entropy, nature’s word for
change over time, takes place. In marriage it has be called
boredom, lack of interest, or personality differences. The
solution is to pay some attention to the relationship – a little
repairing of the foundation. A little pairing up as a couple. If
time and change can wear a relationship down, time and
change (with a conscious blueprint) can build it up again.
Making Room
That brings parents to the next principle: Making room for a
child in the family. Making room refers to having a new or
next child as well as making room for the child to grow and
stretch his or her wings. Families with new babies will need
to establish new roles. Parents will have to learn the art, the
battle, the teamwork of sharing the leadership roles and
daily responsibilities. They will need to sneak in time as a
couple. A few minutes of snuggling after the 2 a.m. feeding
before falling asleep. Quick breakfast before rushing off to
work. A rare night out with the baby at grandma’s with
frequent phone calls to grandma's throughout the dinner
and the movie.
Families with older children will need to work cooperatively
to avoid the old “divide and conquer” routine older children
love so much. Parents still need to exercise their leadership
role but now must weather the frightening process of
making room for the teenager to operate in and out of the
family. A shifting of identity will take place as the child gets
older. For both the parents and the child. The parent will
not “be needed” by the older child or so it will seem. The
child will seek out his or her own way in life out from under
the protection of the home.
Refocus Your Life
As children become adults, parents must refocus their life
on themselves, careers, marriage, aging parents, and their
own aging. We call this the empty nest. Momma and poppa
birds just have each other now. They can retreat from one
another squawking their loss across the painful, empty
spaces, in the nest and in their hearts. Or they can fly off
on new adventures together outside the nest. Flying means
coasting on the winds of change and it will involve the risk
of a storm or two along the way. These storms may include
the caring and death of their own parents, the
grandparents. It may mean a loss of work and physical
health themselves. It may mean playing the new role as the
grandparent bird as new chang-lings hatch and grow.
A new focus must take place. New roles and emphasis are
created or rediscovered. Marriage partners may look at
each other as birds of another feather after so many years
tending the nest and the children. They may have lost the
old dreams in the busyness - the business - of life. Hidden
resentments and hurts will come up if they have not been
dealt with before simply because now there is space for it to
come up. One of Murphy’s Unknown Marital Laws.
Parents must look at children as equals. Children are now
adults with families of their own. The old roles as caretaker
are modified into supporters and consultants on family life
for the next generation. This is the time to read the patterns
on the horizon. To study the weather of change and pass
the information on to the next generation so they can cope
with the winds of change in their family.
So when your child tells you they don’t need your help or
they are embarrassed to be seen with you in front of their
friends, smile, and let the winds of change blow through
your hair. If the storms of change plummet you with hail and
lightening, seek cover in your family sanctuary, snuggle into
the nest, and know that it is just life reminding you that
change is needed. Or, if the nest is empty, look on the
horizon to where you will fly to next, not at the worn, familiar
spaces of the nest. Tomorrow the sun will shine and the
winds of change will blow on by.
Click here to join the exclusive
membership club of the ParentingToolbox
and obtain more of Ron Huxley's expert
advice on parenting, anger management,
and other mental health issues.
I'm too old for hats and balloons on my birthday.” “Mom, I
can walk to school. You don’t need to drive me anymore.”
These are just some of the things children say to us as they
grow older. What they are really telling us, beneath the
spoken words, are that the family is facing new changes.
Changes that will require all members to accommodate to if
the families are to stay healthy.
Changes come in all types. There are the common, typical
changes that every family must go through. They are
common because time, and its passing, are common to us
all. You wouldn’t let your two year old play outside
unsupervised but at six you might. You wouldn’t let your six-
year-old walk to the mall but you might let your sixteen-year-
old. These changes are developmentally healthy and for
the most part, are handled by families well. More important
but still common changes occur when a family member
takes on a new role. It’s like a promotion or a job change. A
man or woman becomes a spouse. A spouse becomes a
parent. A parent becomes a grandparent.
Time waits for no one and ignores no one. We are all swept
along with the changes it brings. When the change is
normal, the winds of change are like a gentle breeze. But it
can also bring dark, unpleasant storms of change. These
storms can rip a family apart. Spouses can become single
parents. Grandparents can parent again (if they take on
the chore of raising their grandchildren). Children may find
themselves parentless or become parents while still a child
as in the case of teen pregnancies. Whether your family is
flowing with the standard currents of change or suffering
the ravages of a tempest, here are some general principles
for family survival:
Expect Change.
As we have already mentioned, change is normal. Why are
you so surprised that your child doesn’t want you coming
into the shower when he is in there? Although parents know
this time will come, they live in denial. They want to believe
that he will always be a little boy. They talk of the “good
times” when little Johnny needed help taking a bath or
would run naked around the house when he was only two
(to the embarrassment of Johnny). What growing child
wants his parents to box him in with words and stories of the
past when the future is calling?
Fortunately for parents, teens are rebellious. Rebellion can
be a signal to parents that change is blowing and the child,
not the parents, is moving with it. The trouble is that teens
speak their mind, instead of speaking up, about their wants
and needs. This gives them a reputation of defiance and
oppositionalism. What if it was really the parents who are
rebellious as they defy time and oppose change. Perhaps
the child is the submissive one, giving himself or herself
over to the movements of time while the parent is stuck in
the mud of denial.
Take One Step At A Time.
It would be nice if life was like families seen on television.
Television families experience a problem and its solution in
under an hour. In real life, it takes a little longer. But
change can take place in small steps that lead to solutions
quickly, without the television drama.
The first step is to watch for the signals of change. They will
occur in the emotional interactions between family
members. Okay, they may be more like sparks than signals
but they are clear indicators that members must do
something new.
The next step is to communicate. Parents tire of trite
suggestions like “communicating with your child.” But they
are our safe islands when stormy winds of change blow.
Falling back on the tried and true (and trite) suggestions of
communicating are what get us safely through the tough
times. Communicate means to LISTEN to your child when
they tell you not to come into the shower. It means SPEAK
up and tell your child that you hear their need for space
and privacy. The more a child appears “rebellious” the
more a parent needs to listen. This will allow a real dialogue
to occur between parent and child, where family members
speak up and listen to each other interCHANGEABLY.
Get Help.
Families don’t need to go through changes, normal or
stormy, without some help. Help can come from within the
family or from without. Mom can ask dad for advice and dad
can look to mom for support. Family meetings can resolve
issues much quicker than endless power struggles. Consult
with extended family members, who have seen storms come
and go. If family members are unable, unwilling, or
unavailable for help, go to outside resources.
Every community has agencies that help families. Find out
who those agencies are and ask for help. “Waiting out the
storm” may leave families devastated. Change is stress and
support is its buffer. Relatives, friends, and professionals
shelter families from the storms of change. It is much easier
to deal with a colicky child when there is someone to talk to
or take over. Family therapy is much cheaper than paying
divorce lawyers. Asking the local church or synagogue for
help is less invasive than calling the police to deal with
domestic violence or out-of-control children.
Reinforce The Foundations.
In order for a home to withstand the winds of change, it will
require a firm foundation. The foundation in the family is the
parents. A weak foundation will crumble under the stress of
change. A solid foundation will keep a home intact,
although shaken and showing some wear and tear. But it
will stand. Parents must take a stand together. More
importantly, they must take time together.
Remember what it was like before children? Parents
enjoyed one another. They spent time together. They knew
and desired to know more about one another. Then the
blessed event occurs: Baby! Life suddenly changes the
family, both its quantity and it’s quality, for better and
worse. Add more children, a few bills, and a chaotic routine
of work and family life and you have a foundation of
marriage that is bound to suffer. Entropy, nature’s word for
change over time, takes place. In marriage it has be called
boredom, lack of interest, or personality differences. The
solution is to pay some attention to the relationship – a little
repairing of the foundation. A little pairing up as a couple. If
time and change can wear a relationship down, time and
change (with a conscious blueprint) can build it up again.
Making Room
That brings parents to the next principle: Making room for a
child in the family. Making room refers to having a new or
next child as well as making room for the child to grow and
stretch his or her wings. Families with new babies will need
to establish new roles. Parents will have to learn the art, the
battle, the teamwork of sharing the leadership roles and
daily responsibilities. They will need to sneak in time as a
couple. A few minutes of snuggling after the 2 a.m. feeding
before falling asleep. Quick breakfast before rushing off to
work. A rare night out with the baby at grandma’s with
frequent phone calls to grandma's throughout the dinner
and the movie.
Families with older children will need to work cooperatively
to avoid the old “divide and conquer” routine older children
love so much. Parents still need to exercise their leadership
role but now must weather the frightening process of
making room for the teenager to operate in and out of the
family. A shifting of identity will take place as the child gets
older. For both the parents and the child. The parent will
not “be needed” by the older child or so it will seem. The
child will seek out his or her own way in life out from under
the protection of the home.
Refocus Your Life
As children become adults, parents must refocus their life
on themselves, careers, marriage, aging parents, and their
own aging. We call this the empty nest. Momma and poppa
birds just have each other now. They can retreat from one
another squawking their loss across the painful, empty
spaces, in the nest and in their hearts. Or they can fly off
on new adventures together outside the nest. Flying means
coasting on the winds of change and it will involve the risk
of a storm or two along the way. These storms may include
the caring and death of their own parents, the
grandparents. It may mean a loss of work and physical
health themselves. It may mean playing the new role as the
grandparent bird as new chang-lings hatch and grow.
A new focus must take place. New roles and emphasis are
created or rediscovered. Marriage partners may look at
each other as birds of another feather after so many years
tending the nest and the children. They may have lost the
old dreams in the busyness - the business - of life. Hidden
resentments and hurts will come up if they have not been
dealt with before simply because now there is space for it to
come up. One of Murphy’s Unknown Marital Laws.
Parents must look at children as equals. Children are now
adults with families of their own. The old roles as caretaker
are modified into supporters and consultants on family life
for the next generation. This is the time to read the patterns
on the horizon. To study the weather of change and pass
the information on to the next generation so they can cope
with the winds of change in their family.
So when your child tells you they don’t need your help or
they are embarrassed to be seen with you in front of their
friends, smile, and let the winds of change blow through
your hair. If the storms of change plummet you with hail and
lightening, seek cover in your family sanctuary, snuggle into
the nest, and know that it is just life reminding you that
change is needed. Or, if the nest is empty, look on the
horizon to where you will fly to next, not at the worn, familiar
spaces of the nest. Tomorrow the sun will shine and the
winds of change will blow on by.
Click here to join the exclusive
membership club of the ParentingToolbox
and obtain more of Ron Huxley's expert
advice on parenting, anger management,
and other mental health issues.
| Anger Management Groups led by Dr. Lyle Becourtney, licensed psychologist |
| Anger Management Groups led by Dr. Lyle Becourtney, licensed psychologist |
Call for your
appointment:
(917) 968-0965
appointment:
(917) 968-0965
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