Anger Tools for Families

Anger Tools for Families
by Ron Huxley

Anger is one of the most commonly reported problems in
families today. It surfaces in a variety of forms, including
domestic violence, child abuse, marital conflicts, sibling
rivalry, and generational tensions. Why do we direct our
anger at people we know and love? Part of the answer is
hidden in the dynamics of the family itself. Other answers
come from the hectic pace of contemporary family life and
our own thinking.

A family is a complex emotional system where every
member affects other members. Unless a person takes
drastic measures to emotionally cut themselves off from the
family or physically moves away; they cannot escape the
power of the family over their behavior. It is this complexity
and the fact that so much of family dynamics are outside of
member's conscious awareness, that makes change
difficult. Consequently, members feel helpless to change
anger in the family.

Anger takes place in the family in three ways: It is inherent
in family temperament; it carries over from other stressful
systems (such as work); it serves a specific function in the
family.

Temper, Temper! A temperament is defined "as a persons
customary manner of emotional response (Roget's II, The
New Thesaurus)." Everyone knows someone they would
describe as having a "temper." One member or more of the
family can be moody, intense, reactive, and dislike change.
These people could be said to have a feisty or difficult
temperament. They have inherited a biology that reacts in a
different manner to stressful life events. Temperament is
not something that family members can completely change,
but it is something that can be modified or adapted to.

Parents who understand this realize that they have not
failed their children. They simply have a child with a
different temperament. It also answers the question, for
many parents, why they seem to have more discomfort
relating to one child over another. The more dissimilar the
temperament, between parent and child, the more difficult it
is to understand and interact together. On the other hand,
family members with similar temperaments may "rub" each
other the wrong way. Two members with "tempers" will
engage in more frequent arguments and power-struggles
than would two members with flexible temperaments.

Displaced Anger. Another way that anger affects families
is through displacement of anger from one system (i.e.,
work) to another system (i.e., home). Parents who had a
rough day at work don't automatically shed their frustrations
on the way home. They can bring it home and react to
other family members in a hostile and abusive manner. One
answer why family members direct their anger at people
they know and love is that it is safer to vent with people
they know will not abandon them. The boss may fire
someone for venting at them or another employee. A
teacher may give a student a bad report for acting out at
school. But family members usually stick by you, even if you
get angry. Unfortunately, chronic venting at loved one's will
result in negative consequences. It breaks down members'
ability to feel safe and trust one another.

Anger is Power. Anger has specific social functions that
signal us when there is a need that is unfulfilled or a
problem that needs solving. The earliest example of this, in
families, is seen in the newborn. When the baby is hungry,
hurt, or wet, it cries. If responses to its needs are not
immediate, it can become angry. The baby will shake and
scream until that need is met.

Anger can be used to control other family members. The
most common example of this is a small child throwing a
"temper" tantrum. The purpose of the tantrum is to get mom
or dad to comply with their wants. Older children and adults
also throw tantrums. They use it to get children to comply or
spouses to listen or siblings to leave them alone. While
anger may be one way to gain control, in the short-term, it
always back-fires, destroying relationships, in the long-term.

Anger Toolbox. Families do not have to continue to be
victims of their own or other's anger. They can use some
simple tools to manage anger:

The first tool to managing anger is to take personal
responsibility for it. Even if a member's anger is due to
temperament or an overbearing boss, take responsibility for
your reaction and what you do with that anger. The
destructive root of family anger is blame. The blame game
only has losers, no winners.

The second tool is to find safe and healthy ways to vent
your anger. Give yourself more time to get home so that
you are not so upset from the day at work or school. Or ask
family members for a few moments alone when you do get
home so that you can detox yourself for the day's stress.
Find alternative outlets for the pressure that builds up
through the day. Exercise, sports, and physical activities
are good choices. Additionally, meditation, relaxation
training, and healthy diets will ensure a much more powerful
buffer to stress.

Thirdly, be aware of how you talk to yourself. If you find
yourself reacting to a situation differently than other family
members, you may be causing your own problems. What
we say to ourselves about situations and other family
members influences our emotions. Get help from a qualified
therapist to work on changing how you view difficult
problems in your life.

And lastly, increase your social support network. The more
people you have to turn to in a time of crisis, the more
resourceful you will feel. Some of these people may not be
your family members. That's all right. They are safe places
to deal with anger so that time at home, with other
members, is spent enjoying one another.

References: Ellis, Albert Anger: How to Live With and
Without it. New York: Carol Publishing Group. 1992.

Huxley, Ronald Love & Limits: Achieving a Balance in
Parenting. San Diego: Singular Publishing Group, Inc. 1998.

McKay, M., Rogers, P.D. & McKay, J. When Anger Hurts:
Quieting the Storm Within. Oakland: New Harbinger. 1989.

Robins, Shani & Navaco, Raymond W. "Systems
Conceptualization and Treatment of Anger." Journal of
Clinical Psychology. (1999). Vol. 55, No. 3, p. 325.

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