Before You Divorce -- Be Prepared to Tell the Kids

Before You Divorce – Be Prepared to Tell the Kids

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

I've faced many difficult moments in my life. Who hasn't? But
preparing to tell my son that I will be divorcing his father was
absolutely one of the worst. Thinking about breaking the news
filled me with dread, not to mention gut-wrenching fear …
anxiety … incredible guilt … and the oppressive weight of
shame.

My son, after all, was innocent. A sweet, dear soul who loved
his father and mother both. He certainly didn't deserve this.

I struggled with the anxiety for weeks in advance. When
should I tell him? How should I tell him? Should we tell him
together? And most frightening of all, WHAT SHOULD WE
SAY?

How do you explain to your child that the life he has known,
the comfort he has felt in his family setting, is about to be
disrupted - changed - forever?

How do you explain to your child that none of this is his fault?

How do you reassure him that life will go on, that he will be
safe, cared for and loved, even after his parents divorce?

And, even more intimidating, how do you prepare him for all
the unknowns looming ahead when you're not sure yourself
how it will all turn out?

I needed a plan. A strategy. A way of conveying all that I
wanted to say to him at a level of understanding that he could
grasp.

My son was eleven at the time. He was still a child, yet old
enough to feel the tension in our home that had been
escalating for several years. He heard the frequent irritation in
our voices when his father and I spoke. He heard the
arguments that would flair up suddenly in the midst of routine
conversations. He heard the sarcastic inflections in our
communication as well as the deafening silence when we were
beyond words and engulfed in our frustration and anger.

Silently, internally, my son was experiencing it all and, not
surprisingly, be began to show signs of stress. Sometimes it
came in the form of headaches which had been increasing in
frequency over the past two years. Other times it was his
tears that revealed the pain he felt at hearing what he heard
and being helpless to stop it. Many times he acted out,
showing us his escalating temper, taking attention away from
our drama and placing it on him. We watched as our son
quietly filled up with rage about controlling a situation that was
certainly beyond his control!

The most frustrating part of it all is that we knew better, his
father and I. We knew better than to fight in front of our son,
to allow him to be caught up in our difficulties. But as our
unhappiness together grew over time, we lost a handle on
what we knew and gave in to what we felt. It was a terrible
mistake, one which I will always regret because my innocent
child, the being I loved more than anyone in the universe, was
paying the price.

I wrote a list for myself of what was most important for me to
convey to my son when I -- or both his father and I -- spoke to
him. Six points stood out as most essential:

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
YOU ARE AND WILL ALWAYS REMAIN SAFE.
MOM AND DAD WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR PARENTS.
MOM AND DAD WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.
THIS IS ABOUT CHANGE, NOT ABOUT BLAME.
THINGS WILL WORK OUT OKAY.

I knew this was vital information I had to get across. But how
do I say it? I rehearsed dozens of conversations in my head
during those weeks. They seemed awkward. Rehearsed.
Insincere. Nothing felt right or did justice to the importance of
this conversation.

Everything I tried brought up more questions than answers.
How do I begin? How do I prepare myself to answer all his
questions? How do I cope with the inevitable tears? With his
anger and pain? And then what?

One night at 4 a.m., while my troubled mind rehashed my
insecurities in bed, a thought came to me that resonated in a
powerful way. I remembered that my son always enjoyed
looking through the family photo albums, primarily because
they were filled with photos of him. He liked seeing his baby
pictures and watching himself change as he grew. The albums
were like a story book of his life. They kept his attention for
long periods of time. They also brought out his curiosity and
questions which opened the door to many relaxed family
conversations.

What if I prepared a photo album for my son that told the story
of our family in pictures and words? And what if it spanned
from before he was born right up to the present, preparing
him for the new changes ahead?

The storybook concept gave him something tangible he could
hold on to and read over again and again to help him grasp
what was about to transpire. It would explain, in language he
could understand, why this was happening and what to
expect. Most important of all, it would be a format that allowed
me to make sure I emphasized the six crucial points I knew I
had to get across to him.

And, rather than rehearsing a conversation that felt like a
mine-field of possible mistakes and detours, the storybook
would give me a written, pre-planned script, that was well
thought through in advance. Thankfully, it worked.

When the storybook was completed I showed it to my
husband. It was important to me that we both agreed upon the
message we were conveying to our child. What I said was not
controversial, judgmental or accusatory. On the contrary. The
story in the book told the truth while focusing on areas of
mutual agreement, the six crucial points that most every
parent would want to get across.

While my husband was angry with me for initiating our divorce,
he understood that the point of our storybook was not to air
our differences but to show as much support to our son,
during this difficult time, as was possible. He agreed the book
was well done.

On the evening we set aside, my husband and I sat down with
my son and told him we had put together a storybook photo
album about our family. He was immediately interested. I
started reading aloud. At times I stopped for a moment as we
reminisced about a birthday party, vacation or other
memorable event mentioned in our story. It felt good to laugh
together, even if only briefly, sitting on the sofa as a family for,
perhaps, one of the very last times.

As I started reading about changes in the family -- the
tensions, disagreements, and sad times -- I watched as tears
pooled up in my son's eyes. By the time I reached the end of
the story he was weeping uncontrollably and holding on to
both of us as tightly as he could.

Then came the inevitable anticipated responses. "NO! You're
not getting a divorce. I don't want you to. You can't. It isn't
fair." And then, as a family, we talked, cried, hugged,
answered questions, repeated answers, reread passages in
the book and consoled one another.

The deed was done. It was dreadful to go through. But
somehow having the book as an anchor, something to reread,
hold on to and keep was helpful for my son. We had the
conversation about the impending divorce many, many times
in the following weeks and even after the divorce itself.
Sometimes we'd refer back to a page or two in the book as a
reminder that Mom and Dad will still love him forever and that
everything will be okay.

The book also helped me and my husband to keep a
perspective about our son. To remember that this was not
about good guys and bad guys, judgments and accusations.
People and situations change. Life evolves. And beyond our
differences, our frustrations and disappointments, we were
still both his Mom and Dad and always will be. Therefore we
needed to treat each other with dignity and respect.

It has been more than a decade since I prepared that
storybook about our family. I have since remarried and my
son has graduated college and embarked on an exciting
career as a veterinarian. As a grown young man in his
twenties he is very close to both his father and me. And he
tells us, much as he hated our decision at the time, he now
believes we were wise to get a divorce and move on with our
lives, both of us choosing more suitable mates. When I
approached him with my idea about sharing our family
storybook with others who are facing divorce and emotionally
torn up about how to tell their children, he enthusiastically
agreed that it was a great idea.

Whether you use the storybook template in my new book, or
create one yourself from the concepts I've shared in this
article, I know it will be a resource you can turn to when
expressing your love for your children as you move through
divorce and beyond.

At this difficult time in the life of your family, I send you my
heartfelt compassion and my very best wishes for the most
positive and peaceful resolution for everyone involved.

About The Author
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator
and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids …
about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to
Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides
fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family
storybook that guides children through this difficult transition
with optimum results.

© Rosalind Sedacca 2008. All rights reserved.

Anger Management Groups
led by Dr. Lyle Becourtney, licensed psychologist