Disciplining Children through Divorce

Disciplining Children through Divorce:
Limit their Behavior but Not their Thoughts

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

Discipline is always a challenge for parents. Regardless of the
age your child may be, they inevitably find ways to act out,
challenge your authority and test the limits of their
boundaries. Often these behaviors create tension and
disagreements between Mom and Dad, which children are
good at exploiting to their advantage. This, of course, is the
time for Mom and Dad to forge a solid bond of agreement
regarding their approach to discipline. If they do, the child is
less likely to test the waters and more likely to alter their
behavior into more appropriate channels.

When separation or divorce takes place, disciplining children
can become even more difficult, especially if Mom and Dad
are not on good terms regarding parenting their children.
Parental discord can open the door for children to move into
behavioral extremes, pitting you and your former spouse
against each other. We've all seen the consequences when
this occurs, and your children are definitely on the losing end.

Marriage and family counselor Dr. Paul Wanio (a contributor
to my new book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the
Divorce?) offers some sound advice on how to discipline
your children without their developing a negative self-image.
His suggestions include:

"Focus on limiting your child's behavior, but not your child's
thoughts and feelings. If you do not allow your children the
space to express who they are and how they feel about the
subject at hand, they will repress the communication, but their
resentment will incubate and grow."

"Remind your children that thoughts and feelings are not
'bad,' even when behavior is inappropriate. The difference is
important for them to understand -- and for you to remember."

"Seek to influence thoughts, to understand and accept
feelings and to improve their behavior. Making a conscious
effort in this direction will bring rewards in terms of behavior
changes and respect for you as a parent. This is obviously
more difficult to do than it sounds, but it is definitely worth the
effort. When children feel heard and accepted, they are much
less likely to lash out at their parents, siblings, friends or
school-mates."

"True discipline should not be thought of as punishment, but
as a lesson to teach your child about Life. When you
discipline from this mind-set, you will come from a supportive
perspective and not get caught up in destructive behaviors
yourself that come from vindictiveness and resentment."

Families that are dealing with divorce or separation need to
pay particular attention to conscious disciplining. Children
forced to handle the break-up of their family dynamic may be
holding on to a broad range of feelings and thoughts that
need to be expressed, accepted and influenced in a positive
direction. I encourage parents to seek out the assistance of a
counselor or other professional as soon as they sense any
depression or other problem behaviors. This is not a time to
forego discipline, which is an essential part of the parenting
process. It is a time to pay keen attention to your children to
make sure they are moving through the challenges of
"change" in their lives with age-appropriate acceptance and
behaviors that fall within a normal range for your family.

About The Author
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator
and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids …
about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to
Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides
fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family
storybook that guides children through this difficult transition
with optimum results.

© Rosalind Sedacca 2008. All rights reserved.

Anger Management Groups
led by Dr. Lyle Becourtney, licensed psychologist