"Don’t Make Me Start Counting!"
by Ron Huxley
by Ron Huxley
“If by the count of three, you don’t have your shoes on
for school, there is not going to be any television for
the rest of the day!” This was an all too common
refrain in my home when my children were growing up.
I would warn them and warn them and warn them but
still they dragged their feet in the mornings before
school.
Do you warn your child to behave and yet they
continue to do what they please? Verbal warnings can
be an effective tool in disciplining children but they
are often used incorrectly, frustrating parents and
children. Here are six points to consider to help
parents use verbal warnings effectively:
1. Verbal warnings are simply that: Warnings! They
are not directives or threats although many parents
use them as if they were. A directive or command
would be: “Go to your room, take out the trash, or turn
off the television.” Verbal warnings are to be used
AFTER a directive or command, to remind and
motivate a child. Parents also use verbal warnings as
threats of punishment. Again, this just confuses the
situation. Say what you mean or don’t say it at all. You
will get better results that way.
2. Verbal warnings allow children time to follow a task
or make an adjustment to a parental request. It is not
designed to allow a child to wait until the last second
before complying with a parent. I knew I had a problem
with my children when I would count to three to get
them going in the mornings for school and they would
just sit in front of the television, lifeless and still, until I
said “two” or “three.” At the sound of that number, they
would spring to life and run to get their shoes on or get
in the car. If they could get up and run at two or three,
why couldn’t they move at one? That’s when I stopped
counting and they started getting to school on time.
3. Verbal warnings must have a consequence if it is to
be effective. I have heard parents stretch a three
count out to ten or more beats by saying “two and a
half, two and three quarters, etc.” This teaches the
child that parents are not to be taken seriously and
that they have no real consequences to deliver. The
consequences should be clearly stated up front
BEFORE you give a warning. And, it should be firmly
enforced after the warnings have been given. A few
minutes in the time-out chair or an extra chore should
do the trick to show you mean business.
4. Verbal warnings require that parents also provide
verbal praise for positive behaviors. What
incentive does a child have to follow parent’s directions
if all he or she has are warnings of consequences?
True behavioral change occurs when there is a
balance between punishments and rewards.
Parents should give verbal praise for any behavior
other than the one they are warning against. Simply
state: “Great job,” “Thank you,” or “I appreciate your
help” for each and every effort at positive behavior. If
done enough, parents might even find they don’t need
to give a warning.
5. Verbal warnings can be given without any words at
all. Parent’s warnings can be visual as well as verbal.
Three methods that use visual as well as verbal
formats are Check Marks, Colors, and Numbers.
The Check Mark Method uses check marks after a
child's name to warn them they are getting close to a
serious consequence. Parents can place these check
marks in a highly visible place to incorporate peer
pressure when siblings are around or just serve as a
visual reminder. Start with writing the child's name on a
sheet of paper or memo board for the child's first
mistake. This is followed by two or three check marks
next to the child's name with consequences listed for
each check mark. The more check marks the more
severe the consequence.
Parents can also use the Color Method by cutting out
colored shapes or using colored stickers or markers
after a child’s name. The colored stickers and markers
operate in the same manner as the Check Mark
Method above. Each sticker or colored line represents
a more serious consequence. Colored shapes are
used to visually remind a child how serious their
behavior is to the parent. Using the American traffic
signal system, parents can cut out a green circle,
yellow circle, and red circle. For a first offense or
reminder, put up the green circle. This signals that the
child’s privileges are still a “go.” If a child’s misbehaves
or refuses to follow a parent’s direction, the yellow
circle is put up in place of the green one. This
indicates that the child is on “thin ice” and needs to
slow down or be careful not to lose a privilege. If the
child doesn’t heed the green and yellow warnings, then
he or she is given a red circle, stopping all privileges
from that point on. This reversal of taking privileges
away versus warning of punishment is an effective
strategy for some children who don’t pay attention to
the parents “traffic” signals.
The Number Method can also follow the Check Mark
Method by placing numbers after a child’s name for
consequences or parents can use plain 3 x 5 cards
with large numbers written on the front and a
consequence listed on the back. When a child does
not follow a parent’s direction, he or she must pull a
card and complete the consequence written on the
back of it. Some parents use multiple number 1, 2, and
3 cards with various consequences written on the back
and allow the child to choose their own consequence,
one for each level. After the child has gotten a number
1 card for the day, they will pick a number 2 card for
the next undesirable behavior during that same day
and so forth. Each card has a consequence that must
be completed. Perhaps it is a ten-minute time-out or
missing out on a privilege. A new day means having a
clean slate with the child starting at number 1 again.
This method reminds the child of their responsibilities
by making them the enforcer of their own
consequences.
Verbal warnings help parents discipline their children
by increasing their compliance with parental directions.
The primary goal is to teach children how to be self-
responsible. In addition, it allows parents to balance
their parenting styles by giving the permissive parent a
concrete tool to set limits with and the authoritarian
parent a way to delegate responsibility back on the
child. Like most tools, verbal warnings have their
weaknesses and their strengths. Use this tool wisely
and you will find it makes the parenting chore a little
easier. If you don’t...well, let’s just say I warned you!
for school, there is not going to be any television for
the rest of the day!” This was an all too common
refrain in my home when my children were growing up.
I would warn them and warn them and warn them but
still they dragged their feet in the mornings before
school.
Do you warn your child to behave and yet they
continue to do what they please? Verbal warnings can
be an effective tool in disciplining children but they
are often used incorrectly, frustrating parents and
children. Here are six points to consider to help
parents use verbal warnings effectively:
1. Verbal warnings are simply that: Warnings! They
are not directives or threats although many parents
use them as if they were. A directive or command
would be: “Go to your room, take out the trash, or turn
off the television.” Verbal warnings are to be used
AFTER a directive or command, to remind and
motivate a child. Parents also use verbal warnings as
threats of punishment. Again, this just confuses the
situation. Say what you mean or don’t say it at all. You
will get better results that way.
2. Verbal warnings allow children time to follow a task
or make an adjustment to a parental request. It is not
designed to allow a child to wait until the last second
before complying with a parent. I knew I had a problem
with my children when I would count to three to get
them going in the mornings for school and they would
just sit in front of the television, lifeless and still, until I
said “two” or “three.” At the sound of that number, they
would spring to life and run to get their shoes on or get
in the car. If they could get up and run at two or three,
why couldn’t they move at one? That’s when I stopped
counting and they started getting to school on time.
3. Verbal warnings must have a consequence if it is to
be effective. I have heard parents stretch a three
count out to ten or more beats by saying “two and a
half, two and three quarters, etc.” This teaches the
child that parents are not to be taken seriously and
that they have no real consequences to deliver. The
consequences should be clearly stated up front
BEFORE you give a warning. And, it should be firmly
enforced after the warnings have been given. A few
minutes in the time-out chair or an extra chore should
do the trick to show you mean business.
4. Verbal warnings require that parents also provide
verbal praise for positive behaviors. What
incentive does a child have to follow parent’s directions
if all he or she has are warnings of consequences?
True behavioral change occurs when there is a
balance between punishments and rewards.
Parents should give verbal praise for any behavior
other than the one they are warning against. Simply
state: “Great job,” “Thank you,” or “I appreciate your
help” for each and every effort at positive behavior. If
done enough, parents might even find they don’t need
to give a warning.
5. Verbal warnings can be given without any words at
all. Parent’s warnings can be visual as well as verbal.
Three methods that use visual as well as verbal
formats are Check Marks, Colors, and Numbers.
The Check Mark Method uses check marks after a
child's name to warn them they are getting close to a
serious consequence. Parents can place these check
marks in a highly visible place to incorporate peer
pressure when siblings are around or just serve as a
visual reminder. Start with writing the child's name on a
sheet of paper or memo board for the child's first
mistake. This is followed by two or three check marks
next to the child's name with consequences listed for
each check mark. The more check marks the more
severe the consequence.
Parents can also use the Color Method by cutting out
colored shapes or using colored stickers or markers
after a child’s name. The colored stickers and markers
operate in the same manner as the Check Mark
Method above. Each sticker or colored line represents
a more serious consequence. Colored shapes are
used to visually remind a child how serious their
behavior is to the parent. Using the American traffic
signal system, parents can cut out a green circle,
yellow circle, and red circle. For a first offense or
reminder, put up the green circle. This signals that the
child’s privileges are still a “go.” If a child’s misbehaves
or refuses to follow a parent’s direction, the yellow
circle is put up in place of the green one. This
indicates that the child is on “thin ice” and needs to
slow down or be careful not to lose a privilege. If the
child doesn’t heed the green and yellow warnings, then
he or she is given a red circle, stopping all privileges
from that point on. This reversal of taking privileges
away versus warning of punishment is an effective
strategy for some children who don’t pay attention to
the parents “traffic” signals.
The Number Method can also follow the Check Mark
Method by placing numbers after a child’s name for
consequences or parents can use plain 3 x 5 cards
with large numbers written on the front and a
consequence listed on the back. When a child does
not follow a parent’s direction, he or she must pull a
card and complete the consequence written on the
back of it. Some parents use multiple number 1, 2, and
3 cards with various consequences written on the back
and allow the child to choose their own consequence,
one for each level. After the child has gotten a number
1 card for the day, they will pick a number 2 card for
the next undesirable behavior during that same day
and so forth. Each card has a consequence that must
be completed. Perhaps it is a ten-minute time-out or
missing out on a privilege. A new day means having a
clean slate with the child starting at number 1 again.
This method reminds the child of their responsibilities
by making them the enforcer of their own
consequences.
Verbal warnings help parents discipline their children
by increasing their compliance with parental directions.
The primary goal is to teach children how to be self-
responsible. In addition, it allows parents to balance
their parenting styles by giving the permissive parent a
concrete tool to set limits with and the authoritarian
parent a way to delegate responsibility back on the
child. Like most tools, verbal warnings have their
weaknesses and their strengths. Use this tool wisely
and you will find it makes the parenting chore a little
easier. If you don’t...well, let’s just say I warned you!
| Anger Management Groups led by Dr. Lyle Becourtney, licensed psychologist |
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same content that Dr Becourtney teaches
in his local anger management classes.
To obtain a discount, be sure to enter
X62K-ACM in the Offer Code field during
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Sign up and begin learning how to reduce
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Sign up and begin learning how to reduce
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the Offer Code field during registration.
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the same curriculum as taught by
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enter X62K-ACM in the Offer Code
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