Talking to your children about drugs and alcohol

Finding Your Voice: Talking to your children about
drugs and alcohol
by Ron Huxley

One day, on the way to my daughter’s school, I pulled up
behind a beer delivery truck. My daughter, an exceptionally
insightful ten-year old, read a bumper sticker, on the back
of the truck, out loud: “When you drink, think!”

It was one of those golden moments talked about in
parenting groups and late night discussions between
mother and father, where you want to educate your child
about the dangers of substance abuse in such a
profound way that they will never tempt the fates of
addiction. Regrettably, my mind went blank.

It was just a momentary blip on the screen of
consciousness, a nanosecond of neuron short circuitry
where my mental wet ware went whirring away in search of
sage advice. During this search and retrieval process, my
daughter looked at me innocently, and said: “If you drink,
you can’t think!”

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Of course I took credit for her wisdom. True, I was less than
profound at that moment in the car. But hadn’t I talked to
her before about the dangers of drinking and driving many
times before? Hadn’t I shared materials on substance
abuse and modeled how to say no to the illegal and
improper use of drugs and alcohol? Didn’t that count for
something? The answer is obvious, right? Unfortunately, it
is not that simple.

Many parents warn their children against substance abuse.
Many parents model appropriate behavior around drugs
and alcohol. And still many children abuse them. Why? Is it
peers? Society loves to blame it on peer pressure. Most of
the teenagers I talk to, privately and in groups, tell me that
peer pressure is not as big a deal as we adults make it out
to be.

So what does work? Why do some children say no and
others say yes to substance abuse? The answer (as you
knew it would be) is complex. It involves a combination
between parental influence, developmental windows,
personal choices, and yes, peer influence.

Parental Influence

Parental influence starts off strong in a child’s life and then
weakens over time. What parents do and say are important
during the first 12 years of a child’s life. Parent’s who say
one thing and do another, have little influence over their
children. In fact, what parents do is more powerful than
what they say. Children are watching and learning from
their parents.

The first step is for parents to know what they believe about
drugs and alcohol. What you value is what you do. Start by
discussing, with your parenting partner, your thoughts and
feelings about substance use and abuse. Is it allowed in
the home? Will you drink a glass of wine or beer at dinner?
Do you drink and drive? Hopefully partners will agree. But
not all do. If you do not, you will have to reconcile for your
child why that is. My suggestion is to be honest without
being graphic. If dad drinks, you might have to state that
fact simply and honestly but not curse him or degrade him
in front of the child. If dad is an alcoholic or addict, then you
will have to state that in the same manner. If dad is abusive,
dangerous, or inappropriate, you will have to take matters
into your own hands and remove your child from that
situation. It doesn’t make much sense to tell your child to
“say no” to a dangerous situation if you are not willing to do
the same for yourself and the child.

Sometimes it is your relatives who have a problem with
drugs and alcohol. The same rules apply here. Don’t put
your child in any dangerous (and I define this in a physical
as well as mental/emotional way) situation. Family members
will put all kinds of ultimatums and threats on you for your
actions. People who are not working on their addictions
always blame others. They might even follow up some of
those threats “Don’t come to me when your car breaks
down next time.” It doesn’t matter what they hold over your
head or what childhood strings they try and pluck. Your job
is to protect your child and yourself. Get help if you cannot
do it by yourself. Your actions will be the influence that will
finally break the chain of generational substance abuse.

Developmental Windows of Influence

As we stated earlier, parental influence starts out strong in
the life of the child and gradually weakens over time. This is
because peer pressure becomes more influential as the
child gets older. Picture a graph with influence on the left
side and age along the bottom. The graphical line for
parental influence starts high on the left and gradually
eases downward till about the age of 16 to 20 years where
the child becomes a young adult and parental influence
begins, ever so slightly, to increase once more. At the same
time, imagine another line moving quickly up from the
bottom left of the influential side, overtaking parental
influence, between the years of 8 to 12, and reaching a
peak at around 16. From that point, the peer pressure line
will slightly weaken but remain strong in the life of the
individual

This developmental window of influence occurs between the
ages of 8 to 12 years. During this time, children enter what
Jean Piaget, a cognitive developmental psychologist,
described as Concrete Operations. During this period,
children think in concrete terms, fully understanding
concepts such as time, days of the week, and logical ideas.
In other words, they are able to mentally perform operations
concretely, hence the name. Socially and emotionally, it is
also a period of time where children still hold the values of
their parents in high esteem. After this time, they are more
likely to question those values, comparing them to other
values they see in the world and their peers.

Little versus Big Talks

Most parents feel they must go through the anxiety of
having the big talk when it comes to subjects like sex and
drugs. Does anyone really enjoy the big talk or learn any
life values from it? It may be more effective to have lots of
little talks instead. Those golden moments behind beer
delivery trucks are one example. During the television
commercials might be another.

Talking is not a one-way conversation either. That’s for the
big talks. In the big talks, you get it out and over with as
soon as possible. Slap the dust off your hands and pat your
own back for a parenting job well done. No, for the little
talks, you have to listen. Make it a dialogue, not just a
monologue. Have family talks over dinner about why you
are having a glass of wine with your meal. On the way to
the mall, ask them their thoughts about why a sexy woman
was displayed next to a bottle of alcohol, on that billboard
on the side of the road. Start a conversation, on the way
home from the doctor’s visit, on the differences between
legal and illegal drugs. Do you know the difference?

Those little talks vaccinate your child. They are little shots
of conversation on the dangers of substance abuse that
inoculate your child against chemical disease.

Personal Choices and Peer Influences

So, when all those teens tell me that peer influence is no
big deal, should I believe them? Yes, and no. Yes, I should
believe them because they have the ability to make their
own choices. That is what they are really trying to tell me.
Isn’t that the whole developmental point of teenage
madness? Trying to be their own person, fashion their own
identity, achieve mastery of themselves and their world?
Would you be surprised if they didn’t think peer pressure
was no big deal?

To some degree they are correct. They do have the power
of choice. Many teens do say no when pressured by peers.
And many escape the trials of substance abuse. But, as we
know, many don’t. Much of that is due to peer pressure.
The truth is you and I can do nothing about it. Oh, you can
limit the friends your son hangs with or you can refuse to let
your daughter attend unsupervised parties, but if they
really wanted to, they could hang out with that friend behind
your back and lie about the supervision. They know that.
That’s why they say peer pressure is no big deal. And I
agree with them.

Parents must empower their child’s personal choice over
peer influence if their voice is to be heard. There are a lot
of other voices out there, clamoring for your child’s
attention. If your child is young, speak softly and clearly.
Now is your golden opportunity. If your child is older, keep
speaking (a little louder without yelling) so that your child is
reminded (not badgered) by the little talks you had when he
or she was younger. Empower them and praise them for
every movement in the right direction.

And when you drive up behind that beer delivery truck, or
whatever moment presents itself in your daily life, don’t try
to be profound. Just turn to your child and ask, “What do
you think?”

Anger Management Groups
led by Dr. Lyle Becourtney, licensed psychologist