Go Fly a K.I.T.E. - Assertiveness Training for Children

Go Fly a K.I.T.E. - Assertiveness Training for
Children
by Ron Huxley

Assertiveness is a learned skill. Parents can teach
their children how to be more assertive by telling
them to "Go Fly a K.I.T.E." No, this isn't being rude. It is
being assertive! Each letter of the acronym K.I.T.E.
explains a different skill to teach children how to be
more assertive.

K = Know what you want.

Before you can be assertive, you have to be clear on
what you want to gain. Help your child state specifically
what he or she wants from another person or situation.
Does he want a bully to treat him respectfully? Does she
want to make friends more easily? This can be the most
difficult and important step toward being assertive. Make
this statement concrete and positive. Don't state: "I don't
want you to pick on me anymore." Phrase it positively: "I
would like you to play nice with me when we are
together." You can even go so far as to state how you
want another child to "play nice." The more specific,
concrete, and positive, the better your child's chances
of getting what he or she wants.

I = Use I messages Vs. You messages

"I" messages start with the word "I." "You" messages
start with the word "You." Sounds simple, right? Wrong.
In practice, this can be a very difficult way to
communicate. That is because children naturally blame
others for their thoughts and feelings. They must be
taught that they own them and they are in control of
them. "I" messages are less blaming than "You"
messages. After you know what you want, you have to
ask for what you want. "I" message will increase the
chances of getting what you want.

T = Tell others what you want firmly and repeatedly.

Children, and adults, assume that being assertive
guarantees that they will get what they want. This simply
isn't true. You have no control over what others do or
say. Using these steps will increase your chances, and
usually have good results, but never guarantee you will
get what you want. Therefore, you may have to be very
firm and repeatedly express your wants and needs.
Most bullies continue to be bullies because they know
your child will back down. If they are firm and repeat
their wants and needs, they increase their chances
even more.

E = Expect change/Evaluate effectiveness.

Most efforts at being assertive fail because we don't
really believe they will work in the first place. Expectation
is a powerful force in human relationships, either at
home or on the playground. Additionally, assertiveness
should be considered an "experiment" in getting what
you want. If one approach doesn't work, try another.
Evaluate how effective your child's assertive behaviors
are with others. Talk with him or her about what could be
done differently and try that next time. This teaches
problem solving skills, which are an important element in
social skill development. So, the next time your child
comes to you with a problem with a friend or bully, tell
him to "go fly a K.I.T.E."

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