Parenting Tools - Increasing Your Child's Social Skills Through Play

Increasing Your Child’s Social Skills Through Play
by Ron Huxley

Does your child have trouble making friends or struggle
with cooperation and sharing? There is a simple solution:
Play with them!

Many parents feel uncomfortable playing house or
pretending that the puppets are alive. The reason for this is
often due to parents’ childhood experiences around play.
Parents also get hung up on gender roles about what it
means to be an adult/parent. While caretaking is an
accepted job description, play may not feel comfortable for
many parents. Research demonstrates unequivocally that
the more children are played with, the better they are in
social situations with their peers. In addition, the earlier
social problems are caught and corrected the better a
child's functioning throughout life. Consequently it may be
necessary for parents to work through personal issues
around play to help their children increase their social skills.

When parents play with their child they are able to
recognize difficulties they may be having and have the
opportune moment to intervene with modeling, play-related
activities, rehearsal/ practice, and/or prompting. Although
parents don’t have to be a child psychologist to intervene,
they should be cautious about over diagnosing social
problems. All children struggle with social skills. All children
have areas of development that are advanced and (often at
the same time) delayed. If problems are severe and
persistent, a professional should be consulted, otherwise
go ahead and play!

Parents can structure play that incorporates both quiet and
vigorous activities. Allow for moments of unstructured time
as well. Don’t feel that every moment requires adult
intervention. Keep close supervision for younger children
but allow them to play with siblings and peers when possible
and work out conflicts on their own. Intervene when things
get hot and offer ideas for how to resolve conflicts. A
comedian once joked that the definition of Sibling Rivalry
was “any two children in a room.” Strive to balance
structure with non-structure, high supervision with low
supervision, one-on-one play with group play, etc.

A common problem in play is an inability to compromise and
share. If a toy is causing trouble between two children and
a solution cannot be reached, pick up the toy, declare that
this toy is not allowing sharing to be in the room and it will
have to be put away so sharing can come back. Externalize
the problem on the toy and keep it off individuals. This
eliminates shame and makes space for cooperation. Often
the children will have a change of mind about using
cooperative strategies when the toy is removed from both
of them. Use your judgment about whether the toy should
have a “time-out” or not. When the toy is reintroduced to
the play, rehearse the cooperative strategy you expect from
the children before giving it back. Watch closely and
provide prompts to prevent old, ineffective strategies from
taking over. Reward with social praise any and all
successful attempts to “allow sharing to be in the room.”

Additionally, keep the age of the child in mind when
choosing play activities. Don’t be surprised if older children
sometimes want to play “younger” activities. This is a sign
of their immature social skills. Start there but gradually
introduce age-appropriate play. Be patient. Don’t worry
about winning and losing for now. Some children are very
competitive and may even cheat to win a game. Point out
this and try to pace the needs of the child or find an activity
that focuses on the process and not the end result.

Action Items:

1. Rate your child’s social skill level on a scale of one to ten
with one being “No Social Skills” and ten being “Amazing
Social Skills.”

2. Based on the number you chose, pick activities that you
can use with your child to increase this number just one
step higher. Do this for one month.

3. Follow steps 1 and 2 above again. Continue in this
manner if you feel you are making success. If you are not,
consult with a professional for more help.

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