Major Myths of Anger Management

Major Myths of Anger Management
by Ron Huxley

Although there are many myths of anger management,
parents are faced with two major myths that impact their
relationship with children. These two myths are "If you get it
out, it will go away" and "All anger is bad, therefore get rid
of it."

The first myth is the most common one for parents to
contend with. Parents and children have bought into the
idea that venting and tantruming will make your anger go
away. To some extent this is true. Yelling or punching
something will release tension but it fails to deal with the
underlying problem.

Let's assume that letting your anger out does work.
Obviously, something must be working if so many people
are prescribing to it. The truth is that it does work in the
short-term. Letting your anger out does release built up
tension and frustration. Unfortunately, it won't solve
problems per se. It may cause children to avoid parents or
walk on "egg shells" around them. This is not the type of
solution parents should be looking for.

Letting out anger can also be addictive to some degree.
Many parents like the feeling that anger gives them. They
may feel more powerful, in control, or simply alive.
Research shows that this kind of behavior can have a
physiological rush or high association with it. Of course, it
does not consider the interpersonal or physical costs of
such behavior.

Lastly, letting out anger can be a way to get your needs
met. The best example is a tantruming child. Why do they
throw a tantrum? Because it assists them in getting what
they want. Otherwise, they wouldn't bother with it (discipline
hint). Adults also throw tantrums. They may find that
employees, spouses, and children are more likely to do
what they want when they are angry. Many parents will
admit that the only time they can get their child's
cooperation is when they yell or scream. They don't like
their actions but they find it useful.

The reality behind the myth of letting anger out is that it
doesn't go away permanently. Anger comes back instead of
going away. And it comes back in greater force now that the
parent feels guilty about their last public display of anger
and their coping skills have failed. Failure and frustration is
a deadly combination that leads to even more anger.

The second major myth of anger management is that all
anger is bad, therefore it must be eliminated. This myth is
learned by children when parents tell them to stuff or
repress their anger. Parents will say: "Don't take that tone
of voice with me, young man!" or "If you're going to act like
that, you can go to your room!" Parents are following
society's lead that anger is all bad.

The reality is that anger is neither good or bad. Anger is a
neutral emotion with a specific purpose in our psyches. It is
a God-given emotion that warns us of a real or perceived
threat to ourselves. It is also an early warning detection
system that informs us of a need to change an undesirable
situation.

Physiologically, anger is a fight or flight response to
stressors or threats. These stressors might be real (a child
ruins their new clothes) or perceived to be real (the thought
that a child is going to ruin their clothes by running around
outside). The mind does not discriminate between the two.
Furthermore, physiological research shows that the higher
order areas of the brain that control forethought,
decision-making, and planning become less stimulated and
the more primitive or basic function areas of the brain
become more stimulated. These primitive areas control
involuntary functions such as breathing, heart rate, and
large muscle control. This is referred to as the fight or flight
response and appears to be the body's natural reaction to
a stressor or threat. Another (albeit a tongue-in-cheek) way
of describing this is that "anger makes you stupid!" When
we get angry, we do things we wouldn't ordinarily do and
say things we wouldn't ordinarily say.

Perhaps this is one reason that experts suggest parents
count to 10 or backwards from a hundred before
responding to their children. It allows parents to re-stimulate
the higher order areas of the brain so that they are back in
control of what they say and do.

Anger is also part of the normal grief process. It allows
parents to take action to correct a wrong or change an
injustice that being depressed (another stage of grief) does
not allow parents to do. Depressed parents have difficulty
setting limits or being nurturing to their children. Angry
parents, if not abusive, can use their energy to set firm but
kind limits and teach right from wrong. Following this they
can reassure their child that they love their child by giving
them a hug and a few words of comfort.

I think Benjamin Franklin said it best: "Anger is never
without a reason, but seldom a good one." Most parents'
anger is not bad, but they use it inappropriately and feel
bad as a result. Hopefully, understanding how these two
myths affect parents' lives will enable them to use anger as
it was intended to be used and manage it more effectively.

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