Parent Advice: 16-Year-Old Caught with Online Pornography

Parent Advice: 16-Year-Old Caught with
Online Pornography
by Ron Huxley

Q: Recently my 16 year old nephew visited us. I had
been aware of inappropriate content that he had been
caught viewing on the school computer and at his home
in the past. We allowed him to use our computer after
discussing limitations with him. He assured us he
understands. I had no reason to doubt him until we
came home from vacation and I went online only to be
assaulted by cascading porn. The more troubling issue
(realizing that he is a 16 year old boy) is the subject
matter. It isn't just porn, it's child pornography, which
leads to other nastier sites just by opening one. I am
currently not on speaking terms with his mother partly
because of her parenting ability, but I want to address
this with my nephew. I don't want to just attack him, I
want to help him. He has been caught doing this
several times so my chastising him won't have any more
effect than previous punishments. Right now I'm upset,
furious, annoyed at the time it took to clean up my
computer. It did open my eyes and caused me to
enable the content advisor available. I have a 10 year
old daughter that doesn't use the computer much, but
at least now I don't need to worry as much that she'll
start experimenting. I've taken back control.

A: I am glad you have taken back control. While there
are a lot of good programs to screen out pornography,
nothing substitutes for adult supervision. I am also glad
that you found out about your nephew's inappropriate
surfing. This provides an opportunity, while difficult and
uncomfortable, to have a discussion with him about his
questions around sex and his own identity. Better to
deal with this now, while he is in a "virtual" exploration
mode and not after he has explored this in the "real"
world. Curiosity and confusion are normal for a child
his age around sexual issues. It is our job as parents
and substitute parents to set limits and try to wipe away
some of this confusion. Pornography, especially child
pornography, is not normal behavior.

Find a quiet time to talk with your nephew about your
discovery, repeatedly let him know you love him and
care about his welfare, and discuss the
inappropriateness of pornography. Reassure him that
his curiosity and biological drives are normal but the
means of education and expression are not. Set the
limits, for your home, very clearly so there is not
dispute. Put the computer in an area where you can
see what is being viewed and let the kids know you will
check it daily, if necessary.

You may not be able to talk about all that is going on
inside of him, in one setting. Use this initial talk to open
up a safe and secure forum for ongoing dialogue. It
sounds like there are a number of issues, in his life,
that require some attention. Consult with a good child
therapist in your area if necessary. And keep a close
eye on him and your daughter. It is tough to be a teen
in today's society and it requires that parents work
diligently to protect and educate our children.

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