Parenting Tools - Teaching Schools the Three R's: Reading, Writing, and Resolution

Teaching Schools the Three R's: Reading, Writing,
and Resolution
by Ron Huxley

Thirty percent of American, elementary school children,
bully their classmates. That might not disturb you if your
child is in the safe 70% but if your child has been the victim
of a schoolyard bully or has harassed children himself, it
can be very unsettling. To make matters worse, most
schools do little to stop a bully's behavior or adopt rigid
zero-tolerance policies that do not address individual issues.
Research from the National Institute of Child Health and
Development found that a bully's behavior is often
considered a "rite of passage" and therefore not worth
preventing. Teachers may rationalize that all children
pester or tease one another from time to time. For 70% of
grade school boys and girls, this is true. This portion of
academia's population will typically respond to a less
intensive intervention. Maintaining line of sight supervision
without direct interference allows children to negotiate
conflicts independently. If things get heated (voices raised
or a toy waved overhead) that signals the need for a
teacher to move in and guide the children toward a cooler
resolution. Unfortunately, the remaining 30% go beyond the
politics of the playground and seriously intimidate and
threaten other children in defiance of normal adult
interventions. If not deterred, these children are headed
down a road filled with emotional disturbances, academic
failures, substance abuse, and criminal activity.

These serious social offenders require more intensive and
insightful approaches that address the roots of the bully's
problems and not simply confront the behavior itself.
Hidden from casual view, bullies often suffer from
depression, low self-esteem, and poor social skills. If
identified early, these issues can be managed
inexpensively and with minimal effort compared to the costly
approaches of law enforcement and rehabilitation centers.
Programs in Norway and Great Britain that have addressed
these issues have successfully reduced bullying by as
much as fifty percent.

In an effort to develop this type of intervention in American
schools, the Department of Justice and the Department of
Education has developed a curriculum on "Conflict
Resolution Education: A guide to Implementing Programs in
Schools, Youth Serving Organizations, and Community and
Juvenile Justice Settings." This online document explores
the origins of conflict and the most effective models for its
resolution. The vision of the curriculum appears to be
focused on creating Peaceable Classrooms that teach
youth to "take responsibility for their actions and develop a
sense of connectedness to others and their environment."

The document correctly targets poor social skills as the
primary motivation for a bully's actions. While name-calling
and threats don't appear to be a way to make friends,
studies show that most bullies feel inadequate around
others and overcompensate to gain a sense of relationship.
This irrational view on relatedness manifests itself in both
boys and girls. The difference is that boys tend to bully
other boys with physical aggression while girls attack boys
and girls with the more subtle strategy of rumors and
ostracism. For either gender, the Peaceable School
Approach aims to teach more creative solutions to building
a social network and resolve conflicts peacefully. This is
done from a systems perspective, simultaneously
implementing peer mediation, administrator training, parent
education, and classroom management.

Some of the principles necessary for a peaceable
classroom include:

1. Separate people from the problem to avoid taking
conflicts personally and justifying physical attacks. Bullies
often view themselves as victims at the hands of society, in
general, justifying their aggressive acts on their classmates.
They may come from difficult living environments where
resources (time, money, and property) are limited and
appropriate role modeling is rare. Many of the adults they
look up to act aggressively toward one another illustrating
and emphasizing a natural social pecking order.

2. Focus on interests, not positions to more effectively
solve a problem. People resist giving up their positions,
which are grounded in personal values and cultural
principles. People will be more willing to adjust interests that
have less "permanence" than a principle. Look for and
point out the underlying motivations behind a bully's
behavior. Anger is rarely a lone emotion. Hurt, loss, fear, or
anxieties usually drive it. Address the bully's need for power
or control over his life. Speak to his desire to make friends
and offer alternative solutions to negotiating play with
others.

3. Invent options that allow both parties to feel they have
gained something from the conflict. Find a win/win solution
or wait until one can present itself. Open up discussion
where brainstorming can take place without the pressure of
having to make an immediate decision. If a decision can't
be made, peer mediators can be trained and used to make
a bully accountable for his acts through the social group he
(secretly) fears the most. Adults can also set up a reflective
team where the bully and victim listen to two adults discuss
various ways to resolve a conflict without having to raise
their defenses through direct confrontation.

4. Teach children to fight fairly so that the bully does not
have the upper hand and learns more effective ways of
getting his needs met. Using "I" messages instead of "You"
messages will assist bullies and their victims in taking more
responsibility for their needs and request them in a less
aggressive manner. Encourage humor and "thinking out of
the box" to create more flexible solutions and behaviors.
Adopt an environment where "words, instead of fists" are
used to negotiate problems and set up ground rules for
making this safe.

While American schools have been at the end of the line in
dealing with grade school bullies, their time may finally be
coming. It is time to let the classroom know that there are
other ways to manage conflict and solve social issues. This
must also be carried into the homes and society if it is to be
a permanent fix. Parents may need to be more involved in
these issues regardless of whether their child is in the safe
70% or their child is in the bullying 30% category. It is time
to add Resolution to the three R's of Reading, Writing, and
Arithmetic.

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