Parenting Tools - Three Teen Tools to Create Cooperation and Build Respect

Three Teen Tools to Create Cooperation and Build
Respect
by Ron Huxley

Raising a teen doesn't have to be a frustrating experience.
Most parents just don't have the right tools for the job. Here
are three Teen Tools parents can use to increase
cooperation and develop mutual respect:

Teen Tool #1: "Job Description" is a parenting tool that
ensures that children understand what is expected of them
when performing a chore or job at home. Just as in the
office, parents can write out a "job description" that details
what is expected of them. This reduces power struggles
and conflicts during and after the job is done. Parents must
be sure not to be condescending to children, especially
older children, when writing it out. And more detail or steps
may be necessary for younger children than older children.
A thorough job description states who is to do the job, when
it is to be done, how it is to be done, and where it should be
done, if applicable.

Teen Tool #2: A "parent/child contract" is an agreement
between a parent and a child (note the singular tense) that
sets up an exchange of desired behaviors for desired
rewards. The agreement should include not only what the
child will do, but what he or she can expect to receive in
return. Make the behavioral exchanges simple and easy to
achieve. Write up a summary of who does what, when,
where, and how and place it where the child can see it. Sign
it to make it official and then modify it on a weekly basis to
fine tune the agreement. Was it too difficult? Do you need
to change when or where it occurs? Do you need to teach
the child how to accomplish the expected task? In the event
that you have more than one child, write up a separate
contract for each child as each child's abilities and
personality are unique. The democratic style of
parenting views each member of the family as "equal" in
terms of their right for respect and dignity but not in terms
of their responsibilities and functions. Use the Baseline
parenting tool listed above before starting and the Problem
Solving parenting tool listed below to steer clear of any
negotiation difficulties.

Teen Tool #3: "Negotiation" is a powerful parenting tool for
older children. Although some parents will need to use this
tool earlier than others, depending on the personality of
their child, all parents will find this tool valuable in their
interactions with their children. Negotiation is a tool that
allows for a win/win situation to occur between two parties
who do not already mutually agree. It incorporates several
steps:

- Know What Is Negotiable and Not Negotiable. Knowing
what is negotiable and what is not negotiable is helpful
when working out a compromise. This firmly establishes a
parent's bottom line or limit on a subject. Parents must
make sure to be realistic as well as firm.

- Open-Mindedness. Be willing to listen and consider the
other person's viewpoint. If the child feels the parent has
already made his or her mind then the negotiation will just
be a charade and the child will be rightfully angry and
resentful.

- Set A Time Limit. Keeping it short will prevent the
discussion from wandering down a "rabbit trail" or going in
circles. Keep things on the topic at hand and to the point.

- Keep It Private. Don't embarrass the older child by
negotiating in a public place. They will be more likely to
react to what they think others are thinking about them.
Also, keeping it one-on-one will prevent power plays from
developing by having other people joining in the
negotiations either for or against the parent.

- Stay Calm and Cool. Don't try and negotiate when angry,
tired, or preoccupied with other things. It is difficult to stay
rational when other thoughts and feelings are crowding for
attention. If the situation gets heated take a "time-out" to
cool down and then resume talks. Set this up as a ground
rule beforehand if a heated discussion is likely.

- Acknowledge The Others Points. Even if they are totally
off base, acknowledge the other person's points. They are
obviously important to that person even if they are
irrational. This will also encourage positive relations and
cooperation when the final solution is reached rather than
backstabbing and sabotage.

- Restate the Final Solution. Reiterating the solution to the
negotiation will make sure that everyone involved is clear
on what was agreed upon. It will eliminate the possibility of
not following the solution due to miscommunication.

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